Almost four
years ago, I set out across the country with an old tape recorder,
looking to uncover the secrets about romantic love by interviewing
hundreds of divorced people. I was 34 years old, a lot of my married
friends were starting to break up and nobody was really saying why. When
they announced their splits, I always felt like the naïve neighbor of
the serial killer: He was so quiet, so nice. Six heads in the freezer -- really?
The word “autopsy” comes from "autopsia," ancient Greek for “to see for oneself.” To that end, I set out in search of corpses. I wanted to know what really goes on behind closed doors. I was looking for evidence, for proof. I needed to see for myself:
Why does love die -- and what can we do to prevent it from happening?
Of course, it’s tricky to go around prying into people’s private lives without seeming like some kind of pervert. Couples tend to put a Facebook face on their relationships and you can’t just walk up to someone and ask them to drop the pose and start sharing their deepest secrets.
Unless you’re writing a book. Then you can pry all you want.
Here are some of most valuable things that I learned about sex by interviewing hundreds of divorced women. The key to their candor: anonymity.
The word “autopsy” comes from "autopsia," ancient Greek for “to see for oneself.” To that end, I set out in search of corpses. I wanted to know what really goes on behind closed doors. I was looking for evidence, for proof. I needed to see for myself:
Why does love die -- and what can we do to prevent it from happening?
Of course, it’s tricky to go around prying into people’s private lives without seeming like some kind of pervert. Couples tend to put a Facebook face on their relationships and you can’t just walk up to someone and ask them to drop the pose and start sharing their deepest secrets.
Unless you’re writing a book. Then you can pry all you want.
Here are some of most valuable things that I learned about sex by interviewing hundreds of divorced women. The key to their candor: anonymity.
1. On being a pansy:
“A guy who's too much of a pansy to make the first move probably isn't going to be all that good in bed, whereas I’ve been really impressed with guys who just get it out there. I can’t believe
I'm quoting Sex In the City -- this is really scary -- but I
like when [Carrie] says: ‘When guys make dramatic romantic gestures,
it’s seen as romantic; when girls make them, it’s seen as pathetic.”
2. On taboo:
“When it comes to fantasies, women tend to be into, like, the
landlord who you haven’t paid rent to that’s making you do some sexual
favors. Or, like, there’s always a poker game scenario where your
boyfriend forces you to service a bunch of men at the table or all his
friends at the Super Bowl party. I don’t know -- it’s the taboo things
that seem to come up most with my friends.”
3. On the biggest duh there is:
“We all have fantasies in our head -- it’s when you act on them, that’s the problem. If you don’t want to cheat, you must avoid putting yourself in a situation where it can happen. Duh.”
4. On threesomes:
“Statistically, threesomes only work re ally well if the couple is very new. Established couples
trying to put spice into their relationship or their marriage, it’s like
the worst thing you could possibly do. It’s the jealousy and insecurity
issues. That happened with my marriage, when we first started going out
together. We did a threesome thing with another girl -- it was great.
But three years down the road, we never would have done that.”
5. On revisionist history:
“Yes, I hid my true nature from my ex. I acted like I’d had less sex
than I did because I thought he would think I was slutty -- which I kind
of was at times. But he was kind of conservative so I was hesitant to
tell him some of the stuff I’d done. You know, I’d let him think it was
the first time with him… Like, I hate the amount of people I’ve slept
with. So to this day I say I’ve only been with six or seven. And those
dumbasses believe it.”
6. On letting your freak flag fly:
“He just asks for exactly what he wants and I can do the same. There’s
no shame. Sexy outfits, naughty texts -- it’s just like, ‘Hey, whatever
turns you on, sure, let’s try that!’”
7. On sex as a drug:
“If you’re having this amazing sex with somebody, you think, ‘Oh, it’s
love! This person’s so amazing and they’re so loving when we’re having
sex.’ It becomes like a drug. But often times, the truth is: They just
love sex!”
8. On acting like a jealous jerk:
“Jealousy turns me off entirely. Any type of jealousy or anger. The man
that I’m with now, he had severe anger and jealousy issues. Whenever my
eyes would go off, he would accuse me of thinking of my ex. An anonymous
text would come in, I’d look at the phone, and he was like: “Is it
him?” Just paranoid. So I immediately I told him: “You have to work on
yourself. I’m going to help you, we’re going to do it together, but I
can’t live with a man that’s accusing me of things that I didn’t do.”
9. On that time of the month:
“I do have a gold-standard way of evaluating men. If they go down on me
when I’m having my period, that’s just pretty awesome. But it has to be
their idea. And they have to do it enthusiastically, like it’s the most
exciting thing that has ever happened.”
10. On keeping that look in your eyes:
“I think sex is the most important part of a relationship. That physical
desire to be with somebody, to share your body with somebody, to feel
comfortable with somebody. And if you’re not feeling comfortable with
yourself then you have to take care of that. You have to stay
attractive, you can’t become Two Ton Tully. Even after 20 years of
marriage, you have to keep that look in your eyes.”
11. On why we cheat:
“I suppose in some weird, judgmental way, I always thought that affairs
were symptoms of moral character. And now I see them for what they are.
It is a crying out of feeling totally alone within your own marriage --
sexual isolation or emotional isolation -- which is the scariest feeling
because there’s no recourse. When you’re single, there’s a possibility
that you’re going to fall in love. You might be lonely, but you dwell in
that type of possibility. When you’re married and things are shitty,
there’s nowhere to go.”
12. On the biggest mistake a man can make:
“The biggest mistake a man can make in bed is having a lack of
enthusiasm. And I think the biggest mistake a woman can make is also
lack of enthusiasm. Sex is a team sport. And it should be a lot of
f*cking fun.”
Adapted from Dana Adam Shapiro's new book, You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married): Looking For Love in the Age of Divorce,
Adapted from Dana Adam Shapiro's new book, You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married): Looking For Love in the Age of Divorce,