It’s
a question on many men’s minds as they sit in a candlelit restaurant on
a first date: Will I get laid tonight? Or will she make me wait?
Of course, plenty of men are thinking about more important issues, like whether their date might be good wife material, but suffice it to say, men like sex, so wondering about the probability of a post-dessert romp is natural.
Well, the news is good and bad. Mark Regnerus, associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying (Oxford, 2011), knows firsthand. His research project, which includes a wealth of survey data on sexuality, found that a whopping 20% of young American men have sex on a first date. Yup, that’s one in five.
But before you give a bunch of high fives to your brothers with “A” games or mourn over your inferior track record, here’s the other news. According to Regnerus, “Statistically, the 20% are less well-educated, consider themselves a bit more attractive and are slightly more depressed than the average 18-23-year-old in the study.”
Translated, that means that less intelligent, slightly arrogant and mentally stressed young men tend to go for a short-term fix rather than a longer-term reward. And for those hoping that sex on date No. 1 could be a stepping stone to a girlfriend, there’s more bad news. Renowned evolutionary psychology professor David Buss at the University of Texas at Austin and Martie G. Haselton at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that the more sexual partners a man has had, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after the first time he's had intercourse with her. Diminished attractiveness, as in, “I thought she was hot, but now not so much.” Clearly, fast sex for these guys doesn’t lead to a girlfriend. If the guy is a player, it more often leads to disappointment.
Then there’s the other bad news. Men who obtain quick sex from more than one partner are setting themselves up to become future cheaters.
“Many will say, ‘when I get ready to settle down I’m going to take things more slowly,’” says Dean Busby, Ph.D., whose work studying thousands of singles and couples has produced relevant and timely data. “Unfortunately, some of our more recent research seems to suggest that the patterns that develop in young adulthood, and their relational consequences, can’t just be turned off or avoided once a person decides it is time to marry. Every relationship we have, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationship we have, and the patterns that we repeat across relationships become very difficult to change.”
But still, the myth persists that men must audition a woman to ensure sexual chemistry before deciding if she is commitment material. If this myth were true, it would stand to reason that couples who do not test out sexual chemistry before commitment should have shorter, more unhappy relationships. But Dr. Busby and his colleagues at Brigham Young University were unable to make this connection in a study of more than 2,000 couples. People with good sexual chemistry early on did not stay together longer. He explained his results to me this way: “The mechanics of good sex are not particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much more complicated to figure out.”
So are the lucky 20% really so lucky?
Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of the upcoming The 30 DAY LOVE DETOX (Rodale, February 2013)
Of course, plenty of men are thinking about more important issues, like whether their date might be good wife material, but suffice it to say, men like sex, so wondering about the probability of a post-dessert romp is natural.
Well, the news is good and bad. Mark Regnerus, associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying (Oxford, 2011), knows firsthand. His research project, which includes a wealth of survey data on sexuality, found that a whopping 20% of young American men have sex on a first date. Yup, that’s one in five.
But before you give a bunch of high fives to your brothers with “A” games or mourn over your inferior track record, here’s the other news. According to Regnerus, “Statistically, the 20% are less well-educated, consider themselves a bit more attractive and are slightly more depressed than the average 18-23-year-old in the study.”
Translated, that means that less intelligent, slightly arrogant and mentally stressed young men tend to go for a short-term fix rather than a longer-term reward. And for those hoping that sex on date No. 1 could be a stepping stone to a girlfriend, there’s more bad news. Renowned evolutionary psychology professor David Buss at the University of Texas at Austin and Martie G. Haselton at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that the more sexual partners a man has had, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after the first time he's had intercourse with her. Diminished attractiveness, as in, “I thought she was hot, but now not so much.” Clearly, fast sex for these guys doesn’t lead to a girlfriend. If the guy is a player, it more often leads to disappointment.
Then there’s the other bad news. Men who obtain quick sex from more than one partner are setting themselves up to become future cheaters.
“Many will say, ‘when I get ready to settle down I’m going to take things more slowly,’” says Dean Busby, Ph.D., whose work studying thousands of singles and couples has produced relevant and timely data. “Unfortunately, some of our more recent research seems to suggest that the patterns that develop in young adulthood, and their relational consequences, can’t just be turned off or avoided once a person decides it is time to marry. Every relationship we have, however brief and insignificant, influences every other relationship we have, and the patterns that we repeat across relationships become very difficult to change.”
But still, the myth persists that men must audition a woman to ensure sexual chemistry before deciding if she is commitment material. If this myth were true, it would stand to reason that couples who do not test out sexual chemistry before commitment should have shorter, more unhappy relationships. But Dr. Busby and his colleagues at Brigham Young University were unable to make this connection in a study of more than 2,000 couples. People with good sexual chemistry early on did not stay together longer. He explained his results to me this way: “The mechanics of good sex are not particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much more complicated to figure out.”
So are the lucky 20% really so lucky?
Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of the upcoming The 30 DAY LOVE DETOX (Rodale, February 2013)
